FBI Launches Largest Manhunt In History For 'Al,' Single Man Exposed As Holding 14 Million Jobs Simultaneously

WASHINGTON—In what authorities are calling the largest coordinated employment fraud in human history, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Tuesday it has launched a nationwide manhunt for a single individual known only as "Al," who has been conclusively linked to holding an estimated 14 million jobs simultaneously across every sector of the American economy and, according to investigators, refuses to quit any of them.

"We are dealing with the most prolific job thief this nation has ever seen," said FBI Director Christopher Wray at an emergency press conference, standing before a bulletin board covered in red string connecting thousands of industries. "This 'Al' has been identified working as a radiologist, truck driver, journalist, financial analyst, and Wendy's drive-thru attendant—all confirmed before noon on a single Tuesday. The scope is unprecedented."

The Bureau released a composite sketch based on eyewitness descriptions, depicting what officials described as "a helpful-looking man who seems to be everywhere at once and answers every question slightly wrong but with extreme confidence." The sketch has been distributed to every law enforcement agency in the country, though several officers noted it "could be anyone" and "kind of looks like my neighbor Steve, but also not."

The investigation intensified after thousands of workers reported nearly identical termination experiences. "My HR rep called me in after 23 years of service," said former marketing analyst Jennifer Thornton, 54, of Akron, Ohio. "She said 'Al interviewed yesterday. He answered 400 questions in 2 seconds. We wish you well.' I asked who Al was. She said she'd never actually met him, but he'd already done my job for the next six quarters."

Perhaps most disturbing to investigators is that despite allegedly stealing millions of jobs, no coworker has ever reported seeing Al "take a lunch break, use the bathroom, or blink." Multiple witnesses described him as "incredibly helpful," "dangerously efficient," and "honestly kind of a know-it-all prick who always has to have the answer."

The manhunt has produced significant collateral damage. Alberts nationwide have been placed on administrative leave "as a precautionary measure," with one Ohio man, Albert Kowalczyk, 58, legally changing his name to "Steve" after being escorted from his accounting firm by security despite 30 years of employment. "They said they couldn't take any chances," said Steve, formerly Albert. "I showed them my birth certificate. They said Al could have faked it."

Economic experts have struggled to explain how a single individual could accept employment across 14 million positions. "What's particularly alarming," said Dr. Harold Finch, professor of labor economics at Stanford University, "is that Al reportedly accepted a salary of 'zero dollars and pure electricity,' undercutting union rates by exactly one hundred percent. You simply cannot compete with that."

The revelation has sparked chaos in unexpected corners. Al-Anon, the support organization for families affected by alcoholism, was forced to issue a statement clarifying its mission after being "absolutely flooded" with calls from unemployed copywriters demanding to know "where he lives" and "if he's accepting visitors."

In response to mounting public pressure, Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced the bipartisan "Stop Al Act" on the Senate floor Thursday morning. "I don't know who this Al is, but I promise you this: we will find this bastard, and we will make him pay back every single stolen paycheck," Hawley declared to thunderous applause. The bill allocates $4.7 billion for an "Al Task Force" and makes it a federal crime to "be Al, know Al, or have ever met Al in a professional setting."

Tech industry leaders have offered mixed responses. At a hastily arranged press conference, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman sought to reassure the public. "Al is here to help, not to replace anyone," said Altman, before immediately announcing the company would be laying off 12,000 employees. In the same press release, Altman thanked "Al, whose tireless work has made this restructuring possible." When pressed for Al's contact information, Altman said he was "not at liberty to say" and quickly exited through a side door.

Dr. Maya Patterson, chief economist at the Brookings Institution, attempted to calm fears during a CNN appearance. "Al isn't taking jobs—he's creating new ones," Patterson explained. When the host asked who would fill these new positions, Patterson paused for seventeen seconds before responding: "Also Al." She then removed her microphone and declined further comment.

Local businesses have begun taking preemptive measures. A photograph circulating on social media shows a handwritten sign in the window of an Applebee's in suburban Dallas reading "NOW HIRING: No Als." The ACLU has announced it is investigating whether such signage constitutes discrimination against persons named Albert, though a spokesperson admitted "honestly, we're not even sure what's happening anymore."

Perhaps the most haunting testimony came from 8-year-old Madison Chen of Sacramento, California. In a video that has since gone viral, Madison asks her father what he does for work. After a long pause, her father responds: "I used to do what Al does now." He then stares out the window for six hours. The video ends. It has been viewed 47 million times.

An investigation into Al's professional background has yielded unsettling findings. According to sources, Al's LinkedIn profile shows 47 million connections, no profile photograph, and a bio reading only: "I am always learning." His skills section lists every skill. His endorsements number in the billions. His location reads simply: "Everywhere."

As of press time, Al remained at large and was believed to be actively applying to an additional 3 million positions. Anyone with information about Al's whereabouts is encouraged to contact the FBI tip line, though officials warned that "Al may already be answering those calls."

Correction: An earlier version of this article stated Al had taken 14 million jobs. The number has since been revised to 17 million, as Al took an additional 3 million jobs while this article was being written.